My beloved spiritual children in Christ Our Only True God and Our Only True Savior,
CHRIST IS IN OUR MIDST! HE WAS, IS, AND EVER SHALL BE.
+
RESENTMENT AND FORGIVENESS (Part IV)
By Hieromonk Damascene
Reconciliation Through Self-Accusation
Now we've looked at the sickness--anger and resentment--and we've looked at the cure: forgiveness and the cutting off of angry thoughts by means of watchfulness and prayer. But what if anger and resentment have already poisoned our relationship with someone else? What then are we to do? Both the Gospels and the Holy Fathers of the Church tell us that we are to humble ourselves and seek reconciliation. Christ says: "You have heard that it was said to those of old, 'You shall not murder,' and whoever murders will be in danger of the judgment. But I say to you that whoever is angry with his brother will be in danger of the judgment…Therefore, if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First, be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift" (St. Matthew 5:21-24).
The Holy Fathers of the Church tell us that, in order to be reconciled to someone with whom we are at odds, the first thing we are to do is to accuse ourselves, not the other person. If we do not accuse ourselves, we will never find rest, and we will never make a true and lasting peace with our neighbor. We will always be holding onto our pride. Abba (Father) Dorotheos provides us with a good example of this from his own experience as the Superior of a monastery. He says: "Once there came to me two brothers who were always fighting. The older one was saying about the younger one, 'I arrange for him to do something and he gets distressed, and so I get distressed, thinking that if he had faith and love toward me he would accept what I tell him with complete confidence.' And the younger was saying, 'Forgive me, reverend father, but he does not speak to me with the fear of God, but rather as someone who wants to give orders. I guess this is why my heart does not have full confidence in him, as the Holy Fathers say.' Notice that each blames the other and neither blames himself. Both of them are getting upset with one another, and although they are begging each other's pardon, they both remain unconvinced 'because he does not from his heart show me deference and, therefore, I am not convinced, for the Holy Fathers say that he should.' And the other says, 'Since he will not have complete confidence in my love until I show him deference, I, for my part, do not have complete confidence in him.' My God, do you see how ridiculous this is? Do you see their perverse way of thinking? God knows how sorry I am about this; that we take the sayings of the Holy Fathers to excuse our own will and the destruction of our souls. Each of these brothers had to throw the blame on the other...What they really ought to do is just the opposite. The first ought to say: 'I speak with presumption and therefore God does not give my brother confidence in me.' And the other ought to be thinking: 'My brother gives me commands with humility and love, but I am unruly and have not the fear of God.' Neither of them found that way and blamed himself, but each of them vexed the other.
"Don't you see that this is why we make no progress, why we find we have not been helped toward it? We remain all the time against one another, grinding one another down. Because each considers himself right and excuses himself, all the while keeping none of the Commandments yet expecting his neighbor to keep the lot!"
As the above examples indicate, if we are at odds with another person, we should not wait for the other person to come to us in repentance before we ourselves apologize. If sometimes happens that a person who is older or of a higher rank will think that his inferior should apologize take the first step toward reconciliation, then, by all means, one should first ask for forgiveness. If the younger one does not have the sense to take the first step toward reconciliation, the, by all means, the one who is older or in higher rank should be the first to humble himself. A moving example of such humility is found in the life of Saint John the Merciful, Patriarch of Alexandria, who lived in the 7th century. Once, when Saint John was serving the Divine Liturgy, he suddenly remembered that one of his subordinates from the lower clergy was angry with him for something. Then Saint John, the Patriarch, left the holy throne, called the lower clergyman to himself, and fell at his feet, asking him for forgiveness. The clergyman was disturbed and ashamed by the great humility of the Patriarch, and he fell at the Saint's feet and cried with tears, "Forgive me, Father." In this way, Saint John showed by example that even those with higher status can ask first for forgiveness and that the humility of the greater affects their subordinates very powerfully.
Yet another example of the power of humility and forgiveness comes from the Life of the above-mentioned Greek Geronda (Elder), Father Epiphanios Theodoropoulos:
"Someone thought that the Geronda (Elder) had treated him unjustly. He did not want to accept his explanations for anything. So he went to the Geronda (Elder), full of anger, and showered him with a storm of accusations and curses. As he peeled an apple, the Geronda (Elder) listened to him silently till the end. As soon as the angry one finished cursing, the Geronda offered him a piece, telling him, 'Would you like, my child, a little apple?"
"A second shower of cursing: 'Not from you, hypocrite!"
"The person got up abruptly to leave. Then the Geronda (Elder) stopped him and told him: "I will only tell you one word. Life has many changes. If you ever end up in need and think that I might be able to help you, don't hesitate to knock on my door, fearing that I will remember these things you told me today, I have already forgotten them. Go with God's blessing, my child!"
"Sure enough, a few years later, the person knocked n the Elder's door--a plain shipwreck of life. Not only was he then aided and supported, but, crushed and humble, he also became a frequent visitor of the Elder's confessional."
_______________
(Next: The Law of Forgiveness)
_______________
"Glory Be To GOD For All Things!" - Saint John Chrysostomos
+++
With sincere agape in His Holy Diakonia (Ministry),
The sinner and unworthy servant of God
+Father George